Thursday, July 10, 2008

Auto Pilot

Can you say 'Auto Pilot'? Wow I've just been cruising through the days in sort of a numb way. I have been trying my best to be aware of what is going on around me, but I seem to have blinders on and that is quite disturbing. Going through the motions and not retaining a damn thing. I think that I am seriously sleep deprived and my body is tired. Summer really wears me down. There is so much going on that sometimes you just can't seem to catch your breath and end up feeling like you're running in circles with one foot nailed to the floor. It never used to be that way. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my friends and family. I love all the invites to parties and participating in all the events. It's just that sometimes I end up either staring into space blankly or I want to yank all of my hair out. I try to save the cathardic screaming for those times that I'm alone (our neighbors probably think that I'm killing people in our house sometimes). I just hope that this is normal. I envy people who feel comfortable with saying what is on their minds (the tactful people) and especially envious of people who don't think twice about using the word 'NO'. I try to use this word sometimes and it is immediately followed by an explanation of why I can't or won't do something. It's really no one's business why I can't or won't do something. Most of the time when I am explaining things, my inner dialogue goes something like this, "You idiot! They didn't need to know that! That really sounds lame. Now you're just babbling and they smell the weakness. Just go ahead and lay out your calendar, give them a pen and let them write down stuff on your schedule". Every once in awhile, though, I can pull it off and just say the word and leave it at that. Maybe one of these days I will have that mastered!

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